Pairing: Akame (Kame/Jin)
Disclaimer: Just using the names for a while.
Summary: Assorted scenes pre-return. CRACK.
Author's Note: What follows is strictly TONGUE-IN-CHEEK. The things I mock, I mock with love.
…I'm going to go and hide in a hole now. .__.
"Oh, good. You're up."
Jin jumped, startled by Kame's sudden appearance in the doorway. Jin hated it when he materialised out of thin air like that. The knife gripped tightly in hand, sunlight bouncing off the blade, really set off his wide grin and glassy eyes.
Kame frowned and lowered the knife.
"What the fuck are you calling me that for?!"
"My own mother doesn't call me that."
"S-sorry?" hazarded Jin.
Kame snorted a laugh.
"It's ok. I blame it on coital brain damage."
Come to think of it, Jin thought as he shifted and winced, he was feeling a little raw.
"Get up already. I made you a cheeseburger for breakfast," said Kame, waving his knife around. "The onions were a bitch."
"Johnny Jr! Come and say 'ohayo gozaimasu' to Daddy Number Two!" sang Kame in the saccharine voice he reserved for the most spoiled member of their household.
Jin wouldn't admit this to Kame, but he had resented their adoptee since the day Kame clung to his arm and whined, "Oh please, Jin! Please can we have him!"
Jin was locked in a contest of 'who makes better puppy eyes to win Kame's affections' against the one whose arrival was being announced by the patter of feet on the wooden floorboards.
"That seagull is watching me again, you know."
"I'm definitely going to get him this time."
"Kame, you've been trying to kill that damned seagull for ages now-"
"AHA! But I've been practicing all week!"
Kame gestured to dartboard on the back of the door. There were little black pockmarks all over the wall, and bright holes dotting the wooden door where the light was coming though from the other side.
"You used the house for target practice?"
"We're still paying off the mortgage!"
"But we usually only use it in the summer, and-"
"That doesn't mean you can destroy it on a whim!"
Kame did his best impression of a duck. No, wait – he pouted. Even Jin had trouble with that distinction sometimes.
A loud squawk reminded Kame of his mission.
Kame made a fist and reached for the ring on his middle finger, flipping the silver skull up so it sat glaring with evil red eyes from atop Kame's knuckles. Jin ducked as fast as he could.
"Fuck's sake, Kame! Be careful where you point that thing!"
Kame ignored him, hunching his shoulders and stalking through the sliding screen doors and onto the porch.
Jin did his best to ignore the squawking of the gull and the flashes of red light coming from outside. He shuffled to the fridge, wincing again as he bent to the lower door-shelves to get some juice.
LOTS OF LUBE, he wrote on the paper pinned to the door with a banana-shaped magnet, right under the words Shopping List. He underlined it. Twice. Or no more sex, he added beside it. Then scored it out. Or I'll complain. He scored that out, too. Or I'll hide your tweezers. Jin nodded to himself, satisfied Kame wouldn't forget to buy it again.
His own precious Pin and other two pooches had passed away a while back, and Kame was missing Ran-chan something fierce ever since he found a new home for her ("What do you mean, 'not a reason to get rid of her'? She clashes with my hair now!").
During a recent campaign of Jin-spite, Jin had been horrified to hear from Matsumoto that dogs – even tiny gay ones – weren't supposed to have the lifespan of a hamster, and that the reason dogs belonging to idols died within two years of being adorable puppies was that idols tended to forget that unlike them, dogs needed to eat every day. Jin knew better than to doubt Matsumoto. One: Jun would kill him. Two: Jun read books.
Ryo had once remarked that what with Jin's love of roadkill and Kame's soft-spot for strays, only healthy creatures need be wary of the pair.
They found Johnny Jr. one day wandering along the beach. He was a bedraggled thing with dark fur in patches, yipping at their ankles. The hair never did grow back on his tail. Jin wondered if rats yipped. He'd heard they were good swimmers, and no matter how far or how many times Jin threw Johnny Jr's favourite stick into the sea, he always came back.
Two years, tops, thought Jin at the perpetually shaking dog. Your days are numbered, Johnny Jr..
Ah – oh crap – hang on –
Ngggh- you can't stop now!
- just. Gimme a minute.
We can hold hands instead! That's just as much fun!
Did you get overexcited, or is this about that pain again?
. . . maybe a little of both? . . .
For the love of - THIS IS GETTING REDICULOUS. You drink water like a fish on set, and you talk about feeling stabbing pains in your side -
They're thorns! Of my love for you!
- which all points to the possibility of serious kidney problems! See a doctor!
. . . don't need another doctor . . .
Doctor Kame is not a real doctor.
. . . so mean sometimes . . .
Sulking will get you nowhere. Oh! But that will. . .
Johnnny Jr was good for one thing. Yipping from the direction of the front door indicated they had a visitor.
"Good morning, sir. There's another bag in the van."
Jin smiled and waited until the mailman was out of earshot before hissing, "Quick, Kame! Get your bat!"
"Your bat! The special one!"
"Not again," groaned Kame.
The bat was duly produced. It was an old wooden baseball bat, handed down through generations of Kamenashis, the legend 'AMUNIZUYA' carved along its length. The rhinestones and purple leather grip were a recent addition.
"Here's the second bag, sir."
"Not in the face this time, Jin!" warned Kame. "That's always messy."
Jin huffed and waited until the mailman was making his way back to the van before swinging.
"Do you really have to do that to the guy every morning? It can't be good for him."
"Kame, I have to make him forget. You know no-one can know that I've actually been holed up here with you for the past six months."
"As opposed to getting drunk in LOZZ ANZZERRRZZZ?"
"Exactly." Jin scowled. "And stop talking to Ryo-chan!"
"I still want to know who posted directions to this place online."
Jin coughed and avoided Kame's gaze.
"Yes. Me too."
"'Attention: Goth girls wanted'? Who would do that to you?"
Jin coughed again.
"I have no idea."
"At least you get less visitors since I took down the sign at the front gate."
"That's true. The flashing neon 'Akame Love Shack' can't have helped keep my location secret."
[abandoned - the caffeine in my system ran out >.>]
No mailmen were harmed in the writing of this fic.